| Emma
Tom interviews F1 driver Jacques Villeneuve
at the Monza racing circuit in Milan. During
this trip, Emma Tom hung out with 69 journos
from 40 different countries who’d all
been flown over to Italy for the privilege
of getting five minutes with the big man in
a stinking hot caravan. One journo from Mexican
Max magazine was nervous about his English
and had been rehearsing his Jacques question
all day. Unfortunately, when the big moment
finally came, he could only burst out with
a tortured: “Jacques. Jack. JACQUES!
You are not Jacques. Jacques are seated here
from other side. Tell me ‘who is Jack?’.”
The big man was very polite about it all. |
 |
|
Emma
and Jacques (click to enlarge) |
|
|
| Emma Tom
tries her luck at The Slip Inn - the upmarket
Sydney pub where Mary Donaldson met that royal
dude from Denmark. As usual, Emma Tom got
distracted by the video games and forgot to
snare any eligible princesses or princes.
While researching Something About Mary, Emma
Tom spent lots of time hanging out at The
Slip Inn. She wondered whether there were
ads for the herbal aphrodisiac Horny Goat
Weed on the back of the toilet doors when
Mary and Fred visited. She was also fascinated
by the Princess Mary cocktails on sale. These
extraordinarily bitter (and extremely lethal)
beverages contained jaggard lemon myrtle,
lemon juice, mango liqueur, something that
tasted like coconut tanning oil and lots of
weird passionfruit seed globs. Quite frankly,
she didn't think they were all that flattering.
|
|
|
At
The Slip Inn (click to enlarge) |
|
|
| Emma Tom
relaxes with a bevy of umbrella boys shortly
after test riding an YZF1000 R1 motorcycle
at Melbourne’s Sandown Park raceway
during the 1999 Women and Wheels event. What
she likes most about leather racing suits
is that they come with detachable knee pads
the size of toasters. What she likes least
about leather racing suits is the complex
zipper system required to get out of the bastards.
At the end of this event, Emma Tom overheard
the following conversation in the dunnies
while making a last ditch effort to exit her
suit via the calf zip. Lipstick applier one:
“How was the Triumph?” Lipstick
applier two: “Went like stink. Grunt,
ridability and the added advantages of a powerful
three-cylinder engine.”Lipstick applier
three: “Mmmm… so much smoother
than the big V-twins in the typical cruiser."
Emma Tom thought this was pretty cool. |
|
 |
Umbrella
Boys (click to enlarge) |
|
|
| Emma
Tom wearing a designer inner tube to the 1999
Logie Awards in Melbourne (one lit cigarette
and she would have been bitumen). Judging
by her expression, someone had obviously slipped
something into her drink. Alcohol, maybe.
At this event, Emma Tom sat far, far back
in the room at Table 71 with the rest of the
team from The Late Report - a Channel Seven
show she’d been working on. John Safran
- who also worked on the show - reckoned it
was even further back than the Race Around
the World table had been the year previously.
Most of The Late Report squad had never been
to a Logies before and their sense of illegitimacy
was exacerbated by the fact that the show
had just been axed. Some would say this was
the ultimate initiation to the exciting world
of television, but as far as they were concerned
there were only two options: a) schmooze madly
in a desperate bid for more work; or b) get
incredibly pissed and see who could steal
the most name tags before the night was through.
Edwina Lunn won the latter hands down with
a grand total of several thousand. She even
managed to nab the one which read “Daryl
Somers” before 7.30pm. John Safran,
meanwhile, was intrigued by the old audition
tapes being screened to torture the soap opera
stars. Why, he wondered, was this archival
footage considered to be more embarrassing
than what they were doing in present times? |
 |
At
the Logies (click to enlarge) |
| |
|
|
This
is a photo of Emma Tom doing first aid with
St John’s Ambulance for a story at the
Perth Big Day Out in the year 2000. During
this unforgettable experience she helped treat
a member of one of the wildest, raunchiest
international bands ever to perform on Australian
shores. When this pale, young head-banger
materialised in the first aid tent, Emma Tom
could only speculate on the nature of his
complaint. Sensational drug overdose, perhaps?
Brain damage from all that microphone headbutting?
A stubborn groupie imbedded down his skin-tight
daks? But the problem was far more sinister
than anyone could have imagined. “Broccoli,”
he announced gravely. “I think I accidentally
ate some.” The rock star, it turned
out, was allergic to the stuff. Said it affected
his breathing. Gave him stomach aches. Made
it difficult to... well, to poo now you mention
it. He hadn’t experienced any actual
symptoms as yet, but he did have a funny feeling
in his tummy and wanted to take something
just to be sure. The contrast between this
hypochondriacal politeness and the over-the-top
groinal gyrations he’d displayed on
stage not 15 minutes earlier, couldn’t
have been more extreme. Happily, he lived
through the night.
|
 |
A
big Day Out (click to enlarge) |
| |
|
|
| Happy
snaps from the launch of Something About Mary
at the Lord Roberts Hotel in Sydney in November,
2005. In case you’re wondering, Emma
Tom was reading the bit of the book about
Mary and Fred’s wedding. As a non-Danish-speaker,
she thought the bishop sounded obscenely vowelly
- like an R-rated version of the Swedish chef
from The Muppet Show. Regrettably, it was
in the most sombre religious moments that
he sounded the rudest. The Lord’s Prayer,
for instance, was positively lascivious. “A
penis in hooten hoofstrom,” the bishop
declared (or at least it sounded like he declared).
“Stiffler rictus plant us un woof minen
arse.” Emma Tom wondered whether perhaps
it was something an actress once said to him. |
 |
Emma
and Maria (click to enlarge) |
| |
|
|
| Emma
Tom and her borrowed Ducati Super Sport 750
on the road during the 2000 Ducati Turismo.
During this 2000-kilometre ride from Sydney
to Jindabyne via the Victorian snowfields
(it’s a route only a biker could love)
Emma Tom discovered: 1) that swarms of bees
are better to ride through than swarms of
insects because they bounce rather than splatter;
2) that a girl can only eat so many roadside
sausage sandwiches before suffering serious
digestive irregularities; and c) that behind-the-knee
blisters from chafing wet leathers are REALLY
difficult to explain to outsiders. During
this trip she was also subjected to the sight
of a small town cafe owner putting instant
Moccona into an expresso machine and being
mistaken for a member of Ulysses - the bike
club for over-50-year-olds. |
|
|
| |
|
